3 ways being conscious of death can help us live richer lives
Do you know one of our biggest problems as humans? Well, think about it. I will wait.
Our biggest problem is that we think we have time.
We all know the saying that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone, but we live as though it is. Now, I am not saying we should live gloomy as though there isn’t hope, far from that. What I am suggesting is that we think about death in an active state.
At this point, most Nigerians will say, “god forbid” why would you even say that?
When I say death, I don’t just mean when you are pronounced clinically dead, like taking your last breath. I mean the end of many things: Life. Being a child. The last time you were friends with someone. The last time you lived in a city.
When I was younger, say 8–10. My parents had this weird rule that my siblings and I, except the youngest, who was about 3 years old, always shared the same plate of food. To my parents, it was to foster unity amongst us when we were older. To us, it was just another weird punishment. However, with time, we made it fun. We built our food like a house, and whoever took a spoon of food that fell the house down had to stop eating and many other ruthless rules. Then one day, it was over. We didn’t even realize it had happened. My mom just dished our food separately, and we never ate together again up to date.
That’s the scenario in most cases in life. One minute you are actively living a reality, and the next — It is gone. And most times, you can never go back. Almost like when you take your last breath. One minute you are alive, and the next, you are on a different path.
I read an article once by Lawrence Yeo titled Death: the roommate to life. The article explained that life and death are both editors. We should think of life as an editor that adds more words or activities to your story and death as one that subtracts. Lawrence further explained how death helps make life more meaningful.
According to Lawrence, “Much of the choices we make on a daily basis are an effort to keep life focused on growing our list and keeping death from doing any work at all. But in reality, the very existence of death also propels us to do some of the most meaningful things that life has to offer.”
Being conscious of death can shift our perspective of things and life in general. Take eating with my siblings, for example. What if my mom had announced that this would be our last meal? Instead of getting so mad at my siblings for eating the larger portion of food, maybe I would have relished that moment. Maybe I would have laughed at the silliness of it all. Maybe I would have taken every spoon, happy we get to share that moment. But the thing with life is that we never know.
About a month ago, a terrorist attack on a train in northern Nigeria cost many people their lives. I kept thinking about how they left their house that morning, not knowing that was the last time they would ever call that their home. Maybe they left hurriedly and did not kiss their spouse goodbye. Maybe they had a huge fight with a friend on the phone and never got to tell them they loved them regardless. If they had known that that would be the last time, would they live life any differently?
Thinking about death more actively can change the way we approach life. Here are three ways being conscious of death can help us live richer lives.
It makes us more aware.
Most parts of my life have been a blur. I mean, I was just getting by. Every day I live for the future — sacrifice for this unknown future.
My first rude awakening came when I was 17 and lost a classmate of the same age. Before then, I had thought death was something that happened to older people. I mean, it was so sad that most men we read about in Nigerian History were alive, and my friend was gone. When I told my mom about it, she said, “it was not my portion. It was probably her destiny, Or maybe her death time was manipulated.”
I then replied, “what if it was my own destiny to die at 18” and my mom almost killed me herself.
I would go on to lose so many other people. At one point, I just became numb.
At age 20, I would understand that death is not just taking your last breath — It is all around us.
At age 23, I would finally decide that I wouldn’t want death to cheat me out of life any longer. I became conscious of the present. I wasn’t leaving anything for tomorrow because I was only guaranteed this minute.
I began taking more walks and noticed how beautiful my environment was. Prior to this realization, I always thought the city I was in was just a shithole, and I couldn’t wait to leave. But I realized it was a matter of time before I left this city, and I may never be here again. Or worst-case scenario, what if this was the last city I was going to be in before my time was up. The perspective shift made me look at my environment differently. I noticed how beautiful it was when the sun set. I noticed the smell of rain mixed with dust that somehow overwhelmed my senses. I noticed the locals. I couldn’t explore that city enough. I ate their local delicacies, even if I did not really like them. When I left a few years later, I was so glad I took a chance on that city.
I took this new change and applied it to other aspects of my life. I told myself I would only be 25 once. I would only be a young adult once. I may never experience a moment twice, and sometimes once is enough if you are fully present in that moment.
In another mind-blowing article by Lawrence on the finality of everything, he said “Most things in life, however, don’t end because life itself ends. They end because circumstances change: people grow older, learn more about themselves, shift their view of the world, and adapt accordingly.”
Maybe one day you will be so rich and famous, and you will crave a simpler time. But what happens when all your simpler time is spent hustling for the future you are running from now. You are not always going to be in one stage in life forever. One day you will wake up, and your life may change. Things may never be the same. You may need to revisit past memories to remind you of who you are and what you truly want. You may never get any memory worth revisiting if you were not aware or fully present in the moments they happen.
Like Nanette Mathews said, “If you’re always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you’re in? Slow down, enjoy the moment you’re in, and live your life to the fullest.”
It makes us appreciate the micro-moments we share with loved ones.
When I was younger, I would always fight with my parents about everything. They did not get me. The time we should have used to create memories was spent arguing. I was always looking forward to leaving home.
I finally left for university, which was miles from home, so I barely visited home. Last year, I saw my dad when I visited our hometown. He looked way older. I had to do a mental calculation of his age and realized that even if he lived to an age considered to be a good time to die, he still wouldn’t have so much time. I tried to conjure a favorite memory, and not much came up. I realized I had spent so much time arguing and not much appreciating the little moments we shared, especially when I was way younger.
When my baby sister called me to rant last week about how my parents did not understand her and she couldn’t wait to leave home. I simply told her, you are the youngest and would spend the least amount of years with mom and dad. Better enjoy this little time you have left with them to the fullest. Because you will only be 16 once. Soon you will be all grown up like me and can make your own decisions. Then, when you look back to find a fond memory with mom and dad, and you can barely conjure one, you would realize that you should have done things differently.
Being mindful of how short our time is with our loved ones may help us make each moment count. Make us treat them with more kindness. Make us love them better. More intentional with our time spent with them.
Understanding that we will one day see our families for the final time reminds us of how precious our moments with them truly are.No money can buy back the moment that is gone.
Funny story, I remember one time I was in a room with this guy, and I thought to myself one day, he might no longer be in my life again — I wouldn’t be able to call him “baby” or randomly peck his forehead because it would be considered harassment, or maybe I would get a restraining order. I remember smiling as I called him baby plenty of times first before it was no longer in my place to do so.
We get better clarity.
Understanding the concept of death can make us focus our attention on what truly matters. The truth is, although a lot of things demand our attention, few things in life matter as much as we think they do. When we think of death, especially our death in active terms, rather than one distant reality, we would be able to choose what we give a chunk of our time to. This is why people with a near-death experience or those with terminal illnesses look at life through a different lens. They have finally understood that death boldly reminds us that this very moment is all we really have in this life. Being only a few moments from death, they got the hint and changed the course of their lives.
Changing the course of your lives doesn’t necessarily mean quitting your job and joining a humanitarian service in Asia or Africa. Or hopping on the next flight to an island to live by the sea forever. Or maybe jumping off mount Everest and living dangerously. It could be quieter, like appreciating the people in your life better. Loving yourself more. Taking the guitar lessons you have always wanted but kept pushing aside. Building that company you have always dreamt of. Making up with a friend you had a huge spar with. Or simply choosing to be happy every moment instead of always looking at life through the negatives.
I would conclude with a quote by one of my favorite writers in the world: Lawrence Yeo,
“The lessons of death can be learned now. We don’t need to wait until our Lists of Human Experiences are blank to embrace the wisdom of death. We have this precise moment to work on the things that give us meaning, to embrace this existence we’ve been gifted, and to tell the people we love most that we love them.”
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