4 THINGS I WISH I HAD BEEN TOLD ABOUT GROWING UP.

The sad truth is that I, like most Nigerians, grew up on my own, so to speak. No one explained to me how the world worked. Yes, I had life explained to me by books, movies, and by people who did not know any better themselves.

Do not get me wrong; my parents raised me the way they knew best. That meant provision, raising you up in the ways of the Lord, and making sure you never brought shame to the family (LOL, I had to add that). For me, that was never enough. I wanted more, but in the end, I had to settle for the kind of love they gave me. Maybe that’s why in my romantic relationships, I never want to settle. I want the whole soul-stirring — “you are my lobster” kind of love. (F.R.I.E.N.D.S lovers will understand this😀).

By the time I was 15, all I wanted was to grow up and leave home. Adulthood seemed to be the answer to my problems, and in fact, I always found comfort in it. Whenever my parents made me mad, I would sulk in a corner and keep telling myself that it was only a matter of time before I was my own boss. But then I had a rude awakening.

Here are four things I learned about life as an adult.

You’ll never have life figured out at any point.

This may sound like I am a prophet of doom, but I have found this to be true. I grew up with a plan. At 16, I knew where I wanted to be at 35. At 23, I did not know what I wanted to be doing at 24. Life is funny like that.

As you get older, you are going to change. And some of those changes will scare you to death. But here is my advice: you are allowed to change your mind.

Maybe you have always wanted to be a doctor, and now you have your certificate in hand, and you feel like you made the wrong choice. I understand that; I have those feelings. The best thing to do is to tell yourself that it’s not too late to change your path. Let me be the first to tell you that it will not be easy. People will tell you that you are making a big mistake.

Here is my advice: if it is your life, you are allowed to make your mistake.

Hell, three years from now, you may decide the new path you have taken is no longer for you. Because that’s just the way life is. Some of our parents were content being in one Job for 45 years, and now they are retiring, and they are mad at the government and the world. I do not want that. I want my life to be exciting. I know that’s a cliché, but it’s true, and the only way to make that happen is to tell myself that I’m allowed to change my mind at any time. That way, I am not stuck with something I do not like just because I have already gotten too far.

You need to set boundaries.

Two things are taboo in most African homes: boundaries and privacy. As you get older, you get used to being a doormat — you try not to upset people even when they upset you. But here is the thing: That would make you bitter.

Here is what you should do instead: let people know when they have crossed a line or offended you. Be clear about what you do not like.

I heard a podcast by Amy Morin, editor-in-chief of verywell mind, in which she said that you could also set boundaries with your behavior. For example, if you have friends or a family member who smokes and you do not like smoking, it’s okay to leave the environment, and yes, you do not have to explain yourself; you can just leave. In a world where we always feel like we need to explain every detail, this may seem over the top. But it’s a tool you need in your arsenal as you learn to set boundaries as an adult.

Finally, normalize cutting people off. If they are toxic to your mental health, they’ve got to go. This does not mean you stop loving them or that you do not love them. It just means that you also love yourself and want what’s best for you. This process may not be easy, but the peace that comes afterward is all worth it.

If someone leaves your life, they will most likely never come back.

This was one of the saddest realizations of adulthood. It made me so angry at the narratives of most romance movies.

You know how you watch movies and pick a ship. For me, Chuck and Blair in Gossip Girl were my biggest ship in a movie. They went through a lot and, as in any great TV romance, found their way back to each other.

Chuck Bass: If two people are meant to be together, eventually they’ll find their way back.

Blair: Do you really believe that?…

Chuck: I do…

Blair: So do I……..

Me, at 16: holding back tears.

Me, in my 20s:😂😂😂😂😂😂

Maybe I will change my mind when I am 70, but for now, all I can say is that life is not a movie. When you say goodbye to someone, you should prepare yourself for the fact that it could be forever. The bright side is that you will meet other people, and your heart will be big enough to take them in, no matter how much you think it’s broken.

You will feel so damn alone.

One of the best skills you should learn growing up is to enjoy your own company because, trust me, sometimes you are going to be all you have got.

As we get older, we are all going to be so busy trying to find our way that we are going sometimes forget to connect with others around us. With growing pressures to make a life for yourself, you find yourself less in the company of your friends and more alone. And sometimes, when you are ready to connect with your friends, they may be just as busy. This might make you feel like you are all alone, and your feeling is valid. But one thing I’d like to tell myself in moments like this is I am not really alone, and there are people that love me even if they don’t show it through their constant presence. A quick call with one or two people you love and who love you right back will do the trick. However, you still have to deal with your own company most time, so find ways to entertain yourself.

P.S one more thing I wish I have been told is that life does not end in your 20s. But more on this when I turn 35 and still living my best life.