HOW TO MAKE AND KEEP FRIENDS IN YOUR 20S AND BEYOND
Before diving into this article, let me make something clear: FRIENDSHIP IS WORK and there is no such thing as an easy friendship. The only time friendships are easy is when you are five and call anyone who shares candy with you your friend. As you get older, making and keeping friends becomes harder.
Your 20s are important years. It starts with excitement and ends with a quarter-life crisis — just kidding — Maybe not. In your early twenties, you have this freedom and feel like you have all the time in the world, but then you turn 28 and realize you are not 16 anymore.
A lot of wake-up calls or internal resets happen in your late 20s. You may now have a job and a lot of responsibilities, and your friends that you thought were just kids are now married — some with kids of their own. You can’t go out every night, and worse, kids now address you as “aunty” or “ma’am” (please don’t call me that — LOL).
In fact, one of the biggest shifts you notice as you get into your mid-twenties is that friendships are getting progressively harder. If you didn’t make any friends in college, you might think it’s all over for you. Cheer up, though; even if you made friends in college, there is no guarantee that they will grow with you into your fifties. Life happens. People change, and friendships fall apart.
Finding it hard to make friends in your 20s and beyond? Here are four reasons why you are
Don’t worry; the reason you do not have friends is not that you are uncool or socially awkward — well, that might count to some people, but rest assured, the right friends will see beyond that. That said, here are some reasons you find it hard to make friends when you are older. In a 2020 study published in the journal of personality and individual differences, researchers found that low trust, a lack of time, and introversion were key reasons that prevent adults from making friends.
It is harder to trust people: When you are younger, you tend to see the best in others. Things are either black or white. Villains only appear scary, so your nicely dressed friend or neighbor cannot possibly be a villain. But as you grow older, friends — even family members — may betray you, which would hurt so much. As a defense mechanism, your heart will build walls, and you will find it difficult to let people in.
Limited time: Remember as a kid when there were school holidays and mid-term breaks when you could visit family and play with friends till your mother thought it was nap time? At that age, all you can think about is when you are an adult, and nobody will tell you how much time you have to play, only to get to adulthood and discover that too much time is an illusion. As an adult, the time you get is the time you make; believe me, a lot is calling for your time. The truth is that friendship is built through repeated contact and time. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that an average adult needs to spend approximately 50 hours with a person to consider them a casual friend. Making real friends takes 90 hours, and close friends take around 200 hours.
Fear of rejection: The fear of being rejected is another reason people may find it difficult to make friends. We all want to be accepted and feel like a part of something. However, if you have faced rejection in the past, you may find it difficult to put yourself out there again.
Change of Priority: As I stated earlier, you have a lot calling for your attention as an adult. You may now have kids, and they take precedence. You might prefer to spend time tucking your children into bed rather than going out to meet new friends at night. You may have a 10,000-word document to submit to your boss on Monday, and the weekend may not be a good time to hang out with colleagues or the new friend you met at the mall the month before.
How to make and keep friends as an adult
Spend quality time: Yes, you know that repeated contact and time are needed to build friendships, but it is not enough to spend time; what you do in that time spent together matters. For example, you have repeated contact with and spend time with colleagues at work, but this doesn’t mean they are your friends. Friendship is more intentional. What you do with the time spent is more important than the time spent. Like Lawrence Yeo wrote in his article, Are you my friend? : “Friendships are more about context than the number of times you see each other.” And if you want a friendship that goes beyond the surface, you must invest time in obtaining a shared experience or memory that can cement the friendship. Shared experiences are one reason friendship lasts.
Be genuinely interested: friendship is more than just social media pictures, frencations, and coffee in Central Perk — you have to be interested in their well-being and genuinely want to be a friend. The truth is, people can sense when you are being fake or not genuinely interested in them. For me, I am a listening ear to most of my friends. I can spend all my friendship time listening to my friends talk about what’s wrong and offering what help I can. Like Phil Callaway said, “There is no better friendship booster than the ability to listen.” “The ability to show genuine interest in others is an admirable quality of a true friend.”
Schedule friendship time: While adulting is generally filled with activities that take time, if making friends and being a good friend is important to you, then you have to create time for it. For me, including when to call friends on my to-do list or set the alarm reminds me to embrace being a good friend helps. I recently watched a video by Ali Abdaal where he talks about the book The Three Alarms by Alan Partaker. According to Alan, we can start living a life that truly matters by simply setting alarms to remember what’s most important. For example, set the alarm and label it “Be an awesome friend,” “Be a better friend,” or “Be someone worthy of friendship.” I know it sounds crazy, especially if you are Nigerian and think this is some “white people” thing. However, the idea is to remind yourself that being a good friend is important to you. As Alan Partaker wrote, “if you take the time to define what best looks like for you and gradually begin acting in accordance with it, you’ll experience the same.”
Communicate: Effective communication is the bedrock of any friendship. You have to clearly communicate your feelings and listen as others communicate theirs. You must inform your new friend if they cross boundaries or do things that are unacceptable to you. You do not have to be rude or cut them off. You can tell them nicely what is wrong and why it is not a behavior you would tolerate. If they want to be your friend, they will adjust accordingly; if they do not, they will either cut you off, or you will cut them off. Either way, it is a win-win. As Fyodor Dostoevsky wrote, “much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.” While we’re on the subject of communication, it’s worth noting that making assumptions is a friendship killer.
Understand that friendships evolve and change over time: As much as we hate to admit it, people change, priorities change, and so may friendships. It will be unfair to hold your friends to an unrealistic expectation that the friendship will continue as it has in the past. Take hours spent with friends for an example — your friend may only be able to show up at some events with you. They may not be able to stay for long listening to every detail of your life. What is important is that they show up when it truly matters and listen to what’s important to you.
