MY JOURNEY TO LEARNING HOW TO ACCEPT LIFE’S MANY SURPRISES

Change.

This 5 letter word fills me with so much dread. Why can’t things stay the same? Or at least the things we love.

Why do we have to move? The worse part of it all is that staying stagnant doesn’t seem to be an option either, because if you stay stagnant, the world somehow seems to shuffle under your feet.

There seem to be no way of escape, you are damned if you do and damn if you don’t. Well, you are more damned if you don’t because instead of having so many options, you suddenly have none as life makes that choice for you.

Don’t get me wrong, change can sometimes be a beautiful thing, like when something good happens amidst so much pain. Or a breath of fresh air after being stuck in a crowded room. Or a good meal after many crappy meals. These are changes I love, changes I can deal with.

It is those changes like a new relationship, a new job, a new career path, a new routine or the end of something requiring something new to start that leaves me paralyzed. I feel like air is being drained out of my lungs. Self-doubt begins to creeps in.

The fear of the unknown makes me feel like I am about to an asthma attack. I feel like I am faced with limited choices and no matter the path I take, I wish I had taken the other route.

Change and Control are two very important variables in my life and both have the ability to make or break me. So, I am pretty strict with both.

Lately, I started feeling differently. Not huge changes to my control-freak self but tiny baby steps.

Last year, I had a friend I had grown attached to. Knowing how terrible I feel when my routine gets interrupted, I felt tempted to nip the relationship in the bud. My head kept saying don’t let it go any further. I woke up every morning expecting it to end, after all, nothing good last forever.

I should be having fun and enjoying the moment, but my fear for change held me back. I couldn’t participate in any activities I might miss so much when it ended. I didn’t want to lose control of the situation.

I remember us taking a walk in this beautiful area with pink flowers blooming, you would think you were in Japan during the spring season. I closed my eyes and let myself go. I couldn’t imagine having this Walk with someone else. In my head, this was our walk and somehow my brain had captured us at that moment and logged it into things I wouldn’t want to change.

This relationship ended abruptly some months earlier. I fought to deal with the change. I would take a walk all by myself and somehow feel like I am being transported in time. It was like nothing had changed and I had somehow tricked my mind into believing everything was still the same. I felt better that everything wasn’t so different.

Then One day, I was with a new friend and somehow we took that same route. I panicked inwardly when I realized what was about to happen. I wanted to scream “let’s go back” but I willed my self to be brave. At first, I tried imagining I was walking with someone else, but then slowly I eased into the moment.

It wasn’t terrible, my lungs didn’t threaten to burst. I laughed hard and enjoyed every minute of that walk. Then I realized sometimes change isn’t so bad, with someone new comes a whole different experience.

I decided that sometimes we should let life happen. Life shouldn’t be all strict and carefully planned.

This simple experience prompted me to try new things. A new food, a new writing niche I have no experience in, a new routine. I wanted to feel different things and not just have the same feelings I am accustomed to.

Of course, I still get panic attacks, but I try to ease into it slowly.

When I feel that urge to control everything. I take my mind back to that little walk and tell myself that just because the future is unknown doesn’t mean I should fret about the outcome.

Life is like being handed a box filled with surprises, and you miss out if you always want to know what is inside before accepting the box.

If you are a control freak like me, you would know this isn’t easy.

Sometimes, just take a deep breath and let life do its thing. Like Ted Mosby said in HIMYM “The great moments of your life won’t necessarily be the things you do, they’ll also be the things that happen to you.”

Let life happen.